Junkies 2013 Summer Dress Party Recap

It was the biggest night of the summer.  The night of the annual Sports Junkies Summer Dress Party.  And needless to say, I was cised.

At around 5pm I went to Outback and ordered basically everything on the menu. This was designed to fill my stomach up before a night of endless drinking.  I wouldn't mention this part of the story but it literally "comes up" later.

Event Header photo from 106.7 The Fan

I arrived at the Clarendon Ballroom right at 7pm, walked up to the rooftop, and my jaw dropped.  Why?  Was the girl in the purple dress in front of me?  Was Chris Cooley hanging out?  Nope, there was another reason.

On both the left side and right side of the pathway to the rooftop bar, there was nothing but dudes.  It was like a scene from the Hitchcock movie The Birds, where all the crows are lined up around the playground on power wires.  Except the crows were bros, and the power lines were bar tables.  Waiting to attack the next girl who walked by in a sundress...

These dudes may have looked like donks, but they did avoid the hour long line that would start to form outside over the next few hours.

Luckily a few minutes later, the girl in the purple dress showed up, and once again I was cised (and not in the same way as in the beginning of the story if you know what I mean)

As time went on, the ladies began to show up, and next thing you knew the entire rooftop was jam packed with athletes, local celebrities, junkies listeners, and hotties in sundresses. I spent the night talking to Valdez about Mama Griz, trying to steal E-Wadd's date, heckling Cakes for playing his sound effects, and learning about seafoam from Tucker Barns.

Me and DC Sports Bog, he introduced me to everyone mentioning
this crappy website, and it was embarrassing.

It was a typical fun Junkies event.  Zings were flying all over the place.  At one point in the men's room a guy said that he didn't want to use the urinal, and he wanted to use a stall.  This was my opportunity.  "What's up Dante STALLworth!" Someone said "good zing" and so my night was made.

There were so many cool people there that I forgot to holler...and before I knew it I was too drunk to.  It was time to go.

I went to the bar to close my tab, and was shocked to find that I owed $150.   I looked at the receipt and despite the bar having the dumbest tab system ever (you tell them a # instead of your name) everything checked out.

I was too drunk to be at the bar, and did not need or want another drink.  But the bartender was excited for the $30 tip and he handed me a free shot of Fireball.  I took the shot and after that, blank.

Never had a bar tab so large it had to be ran 2x

When my mind returned I found myself at the Vienna Metro station puking in the grass.  After watching both my $40 Outback bill and my $180 bar tab splatter on the ground in chunks, I grabbed a cab and headed to my parent's house (closest to the metro).

As the cab pulled into the driveway at 2am I realized that I was felted.  I had $0 in my wallet.  I went in the house, saw my mom's purse sitting on the kitchen counter, stole $30, and paid the driver.  The perfect ending to the perfect night.

Silly...